Top 11 signs you are a troll astrologer


Inspired by Letterman, I tried to put the ten top signs that you are troll astrologer. Most of them are inspired by my recent experiences as an moderator on several forums, as we always have  lots of them. While trolls usually are trying just to create disruption on an internet community, troll astrologers are usually trying to attract attention to themselves.

Number 11 – You have a “secret technique”

For some reason, everybody now has a secret technique that they won´t share, they won´t tell anybody their name, but they want to publish their incredible value.

You will not make public predictions with your fantastic technique, you will not say how it works, but you will publish the incredible results you have had.

If any astrologer ask why don´t you at least prove the power of your secret technique, you will usually act with rage or disdain. My personal favorite answer is “The smart ones will get it and this will open a new door in the field of astrology. For the ones that don’t get it like Tom and Yuzuru, Oh well I guess you’re not ready to learn.”

Number 10 – you go into forums and internet communities with an alias just to praise myself.

You wouldn´t believe how many people subscribe to a forum, and then when they face the disbelief and scrutinity of forum members, suddenly re-appear as a “fan”  always ready to support the oppinions of the main alias! It just “happens” that the fake alias subscribed two days after you…

To show you that people are not just bad astrologers. Sometimes they also have psychological problems.

Number 9 – you have 70+ years of experience in astrology

For some reason, every bad astrologer have low self esteem, and they need to seek validation from everyone, everywhere.

So, if you ask why are they using this particular technique, they will always answer something like “I have been using this technique for 50 years” or something like that.

Does that really impresses anyone? I never got really attracted by this argument. If you can´t prove that your technique works either by logical argument, by sources, or by results, saying that you have used it for a very long time just means that you are getting old.

Number 8 – you have 1 million+ satisfied customers

Same thing. If you are defending your point, I didn´t ask for your customer satisfaction survey! I imagine that McDonalds have millions of satisfied clientes, but I don´t think their opinion is necessary to find out if their burger is made of meat! (which I doubt!)

I do believe that number do show you that your point is powerfull, if your point is marketing for astrologers. If the discussion is about solar returns, chances are that your number of clients really aren´t an important piece of the discussion.

Number 7 – “Your forum is a piece of garbage! No one answers me!”

I know that people think that moderators have super powers, but we really don´t tell forum members to whom they should reply!

If in an active forum, your answers are the only ones not being replied, it is probably because the problem is with you, agree?

Number 6 – when doing a mystery chart, you try to google the answer

Mystery charts are learning tools so astrologers can have a little fun and learn something from other people that are really using the technique, without knowing the real answer.

But you would be surprised how many people try to google the answer to try to brag about how great they are. Jesus, how can you brag if you know you are cheating?!

Number 5 – when doing a mystery chart, you give the answer after it is made public

You wouldn´t believe how many people will give you the answer AFTER the answer is made public!

“Oh, you stupid fools, if you had used (put favorite technique here) you would have got the right answer!”

Well, where were you at the start of the conversation? Please don´t give us the answer after I told you what the answer was!

Number 4 – “I have made thousands of incredible predictions to the day”

I don´t know if there is a technique that can really predict to the day. It may be. But the people that say that they can do that usually are problematic. I don´t know why. Probably it is reafirmation problems again.

Number 3 – you put your own words in some ancient authority and you say that you have “discovered their secret technique”

An “astrologer” in Brazil recently discovered the great secret of the technique of profections by William Lilly (Lilly didn´t invented the profections, but let´s forget all the problems in the text). You know, the great secret lost technique that William Lilly used to predict the Great Fire? Tarot!

Yes, the great secret of profections is that Lilly really was using the tarot! Unfortunately he didn´t write this anywhere, neither bother to say anything to his friends (he probably was protecting his “secret technique”). But we are lucky to finally have the answer revealed.

By the way, don´t miss my article next month on Mountain Astrology: “Bonatti and the I ching”.

Number 2 – “Come my creatures, and praize me”

For some reason, some people think that everybody else is at their services.

“I don´t believe in solar returns, but I will let you prove me wrong”.

Or  start a thread to discuss a topic and they try to manipulate people to do a solar return, for example, and then show them the error on their ways.

Oh, please, great teacher of astrology, show us mere mortals the light!

Number 1 – “it works for me”

How good for you! But if it works only for you, and you don´t care if it will work for others, why are you posting on a community in the first place! Go to an island and make impressive secret predictions to the day!

Is there any other sign of a troll? If you remembered any that I forgot, please put your own sign of trolling (and crazy astrologer) on the comments

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Posted in Analysis and Critics, Astrology For Dummies, Traditional Astrology
15 comments on “Top 11 signs you are a troll astrologer
  1. Chanah says:

    You forgot about the karmic nodes and how synastry always shows you who your true soulmate is – or all 158 of your true soulmates, well, these things can happen, you can have a new soulmate each week 😉

    As well as describing all your past lives through your chart. I mean, you just KNOW that Moon/Mars square you were born with came about because you threw somebody to their death in a snake pit seven lifetimes ago. Don’t you???

    And what an unevolved soul you are if you’re an astrologer and you can’t see all these obvious signs. Oh, the shame. Well, give it another seven lifetimes and you might catch up. Or at least crawl out of the primordial ooze.

    LOL. Don’t even get me started on this one.

    • yuzuru says:

      One time one astrologer told me that the sign in which saturn is, in your “present life” is the same the sun was in your “past life”.
      I was wondering how this information was confirmed, but nevermind. I was just glad in my past life I was a cancer because it gives me permission to get really really fat and blame my past life

  2. PFN says:

    Sometimes I feel ashamed just when I think that I study the same topics some of these people “study”. I know it should not be like that, but the worst part of astrology are the majority of astrologers themselves.

  3. No, no, it’s “Bonatti and the Itching” – it turns out he used the pattern of mosquito bites on his skin to forecast the outcomes of battles. 😉
    Great post!

  4. gjiada says:

    I have another one – I read it very recently in the net.

    When one makes a public forecast and then it is wrong, the birth certificate on which charts are cast, is wrong….. and the native is born in Kenia 🙂


  5. Chanah says:

    Ah yes, everything from government conspiracies to space aliens, PFN and Gijada.

    What’s scaring me is that people who have some kind of astrological certification (whatever that means – NCGR exams of some sort) and are considered respectable are now writing books about ‘classical astrology’ that tell you have absolute free will, that’s the only reason anything happens, there are no malefics, and the new age misunderstanding of karma is true.

    As statements of fact. In classical astrology.

    For the rest? Who needs boring old history when you can channel the ancient Atlanteans and they’ll tell you the real story? Had an argument with somebody over that recently. He still doesn’t believe the Mesopotamians weren’t a bunch of rich white guys in some secret society hiding the truth. Ouch.

    And remember kids, while astrology can tell you everything about your past lives – it cannot predict the future!

    Yuzuru, I think you’ve hit a sore point for a lot of us. And I do look forward to your article about Bonatti and the Itching 😉

  6. A. R. says:


    Number (-1 ) “Dr. Doom and Gloom”
    In every mundane chart the famous AstrTroll (known by the nickname “Dr. Doom’N’Gloom”) reads , he can clearly see World War Three breaking next month and a certain middle-eastern country annihilated. When it doesn’t happen, he re-predicts it from the next solar ingress or eclipse chart, and provides long and eductaed explanations for what he had been missing in his previous predictions.
    After every world-disaster he publishes long , detailed (hindsight astrology) articles in mailing lists and his website, claiming he had predicted this world event, precisely, including the exact time and place, in a lecture before his many admiring astrology students, but had forgotten to publish it.
    Every week and so he would post a long article, bragging about how he had predicted the violent death of one of his many celebrity clients’ beloved only child, and how it came true. Each week it is a different client, a different kid and a different horrible death.
    Sadly, his famous ex-wife’s two little children were murdered at their home one night, in mysterious circumstances , although he had never foreseen it. He blames the murder on his daughter’s ex-boyfriend and claims he had warned his daughter the guy’s natal chart with Mars/Uranus on the Ascendant meant trouble.
    Surprisingly, many reputable fellow astrologers on various forums simply admire the Dr. and keep praising him eventhough all his published predictions were proven false.
    On a different kind of “AstroTroll” (aka Astroll):
    Yuzuru, It would be nice to have a blogpost about the typical horary forum trolls. These guys are really special.

  7. Great thread (even though a bit horrifying, lol).
    I don’t know for the America’s, but on Ye Olde Continente, this trolling is most obvious in the Sacred Realm of SAS (Spiritual Astrological Secrets). In the Netherlands alone there are 3 or 4 blablological authors that finally disclosed how to find out about your destiny in this incarnation. No need to say they accept the Karmic Burden of having to fight each other. Sometimes it would read like “take the square root of your North Node to the Cheironeth power of your Mean Black Moon, and divide by the Black Sun after counting the True Black Moon to it. After you might have found out how to do that, you ‘re probably left on your own…
    I got so disgusted by those “discoveries” (or even better: flashes of enlightenment quite altruistically shared with ye common would-be astrologers), that it made me turn and start studying traditional astrology!
    So you see, every Creature has its Purpose, LOL!

  8. cor scorpii says:

    Great article, Yuzuru. It really made me laugh…in my country, there’s also one such ‘astrologer’ that praises himself as the world’s best mundane astrologer and he says that he is PROFESSOR of astrology; he even claims to have discovered the secret of the meaning of every zodiacal degree. It’s simple – the first degree(for him ranging from 1*00′ up to 1*59′, which is actually the second degree, but he obviously forgets easily that each sign has 30 degrees…) is ruled by Aries/is like Aries, the second like Taurus(also the most powerful degree of any chart, so if there’s some planet/important point posited on that degree, you are destined to become some kind of a king 🙂 I suggest that you check your natal chart, maybe you discover something utterly new and groundbreaking about yourself/your life; remember, the 5th degree shows great erotic charisma, and the 18th degree is devil’s degree, the most unfortunate; the 22nd means you’ll either kill someone/be killed…hehehe.He admits he dosesn’t know what to do with the ‘zero degree’, what it means he has yet to discover… 🙂
    And so on, you got the point. His site is called Serbian Astrology, if you want to check it out and learn REAL astrology; you’ll surely forget everything what you’ve learned so far as bogus and absurd, because only HE has all the answers 🙂


  9. This is hilarious because it is so depressingly accurate. Well done my friend. Well done.

    • yuzuru says:

      Hi, I left the blog a little this week, but I would like to thank you all for the kind answers to my feeble attempt of humour 🙂

      Goran – Tom on skyscript recently commented that “One of the reasons Marc Edmond Jones was moved to reorganize the astrology of his day is that he watched a woman give a reading simply by putting her hand on the chart. I told that story online to a group of young astrology students and a few them saw nothing wrong with that approach”

      Herman – I give up on discussing karma after one astrologer said that I didn´t believe in it because I wasn´t a good person.

      Chanah – unfortunately I have found more than one person to try to convince me that astrology came from atlantis.

      AR – I really don´t see such troling on horary forums (unless in one where every kind of chart is allowed). What I see more is the “give me a free reading” syndrome.

      Chris – thanks for the comment

      Again, thank you all for reading and commenting.

  10. Pam Johnson says:

    About comment #1. I am with great difficulty trying to understand horary astrology from a book written by nationally respected authors. Among other questionable comments it says “Aquarius and Pisces are ruled by Uranus and Neptune respectively, and these planets work quite well in Horary Astrology, but you may want to use the old rulers, Saturn and Jupiter, as well when you are answering questions with these signs prominent.” Also stated about Strictures on Judgement, “These strictures are based on ancient rules which denied answers to questions, but I have not always found that they apply, but you can and should judge for yourself.” Here I am as a beginner studying something which is Greek to me. Actually I feel quite stupid even trying to grasp this subject. And throughout the book I am being told to try “whatever works best for me.” If I knew whatever “works the best,” I wouldn’t be trying to figure the whole mess out. It seems that there should be some absolutes here. Am right or wrong?

    • yuzuru says:

      Horary astrology is a very ancient form of astrology that comes from as far as Mashallah… to try to learn this from modern astrologers, with their focus on “free will”, psycho bable, and “the secret” way of thinking is not only hard, it is a impossible task.

      Aquarius is ruled by SAturn, Scorpio by Mars and Pisces by Jupiter.

      The “strictures” are in reality called “considerations”. I have an article about it, you should read it, then you can look in and to the tutorials to learn more about horary (in the correct way).

      It is not a question of absolutes vs “whatever works for you”. It is the problem to try to be Politically correct in a word where astrologers haver very high sensitivity, but few are sensible. Although astrologers do not have proper training, and are not familiar with even the most basic concepts (a huge amount of astrologers don´t even heard the word “cazimi”), very few are willing to learn the concepts properly, instead they rather follow some guru or strange school that arise every year.

      Just throw this book and go to skyscript, you will learn a lot more.

      Best regards

  11. Mark Cullen says:

    Hi Yuzuru,

    This is hilarious. Not least as it rings so true!



  12. Jan smith says:

    Too too true , have spent most of my life watching the proliferation of psychobabble and wishful thinking, New Agers creating planets and asteroids in their own image – see my memoir, Confessions of a Home-grown Alien
    Jan Smith, Sydney

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